Giroud, Good or Bad? - The Verdict
On the opposite side of the room, at another similar desk, now stood Gary Neville. An unlikely champion for Arsenal's cause, the former pantomime Premiership villain was now regarded as the finest defence lawyer the FJC had ever seen. He strode purposefully out onto the floor in front of the jury, clasping a tablet.
In his unmistakeable Mancunian twang, he started to address the people he needed to sway.
"People of the jury, despite Mr Durham's skewed version, I have to agree with something he said. Giroud does not tend to score in the big games. What wasn't mentioned though, is the impact he has without sometimes scoring. He holds the ball up better than his counterparts, despite his moaning nature and penchant for spending a bit too much time with his bum on the turf". He paused and looked around with piercing beady eyes for effect.
"He has 24 assists in two seasons. Not bad for a lumbering brute! Anyone who has seen some of his goals will realise he has a great touch and fantastic awareness. His backheel goal Vs Southampton. His amazing control and improvised finish Vs West Ham. He has supreme talent. 40 goals and 24 assists in 101 games. True, it isn't Henry-esque or Shearer-like. Not many players are.... He provides so well though. If Ozil and Ramsey had stayed fit last season, with Mesut's passing, vision. With Ramsey's running into the box and able assists, then Giroud would've bagged a few more. True, this is circumstantial. We don't know this. But we do know that Giroud needs runners. Giroud does have a bad side. We aren't ignorant of this. We always see the worst of Giroud when the runners in Arsenals team are missing or when the movement is lacking. The first two games of this season, we have seen a pedestrian Gunners. Giroud has therefore been awful".
The jury were entranced.
"My client isn't the type of player to open up chances himself. He isn't the type to hover in the 6yd box and snaffle chances. He is more of a three-dimensional striker. True, his infuriating habit of not being in the box when needed does require treatment. But when Arsenal are attacking with pace though, holding up the ball whilst reinforcements arrive is a must, and that is why Giroud is so effective at the fulcrum of the attack. True, they could bring in Cavani. But Cavani is lightweight. He has more skill than Giroud but would he last a season in the League? I doubt it. Giroud will get you goals. Ozil in his second season will be better. He is the worlds finest No10 when at his best. His acclimatisation has finished so with Ozil behind him then he will have more chances. Theo is coming back, with his running next to him then you will see how effective he is. Sanchez has been added to the fore. With him on the other side, then that attack has everything, but it is Giroud who will profit and will in turn profit them. He will get more goals than he did last season. If Joel Campbell can assist in rotating Olivier when he is being flogged, then an improvement will be made. Giroud made 51 appearances last season. That should tell you all you need to know."
Neville paused, then, with a lowered tone that made the jury lean in, he began his finale.
"Yes, in the first two games this season, he has been rather bad. the same histrionics without the productivity. But, tell me. Who in those first two games has played well in the attack? Cazorla? He has been the worst player on the pitch. Ramsey? Even he admitted he has played badly. Sanchez? Some good moments but even Arsene Wenger has admitted that Alexis isn't quite on the same wavelength as the rest of the team. So, we are waiting for Arsenal to click. Whilst we wait, we have singled out one player to blame for Arsenal failing to get into gear? Giroud isn't Henry. He isn't Wright. He is however, vital to Arsenal and has more to offer. He just needs to get consistency and the main cogs and moving pieces back around him. Theo, Ozil and an integrated Sanchez. I'd bet my Hobbit house that Giroud bags more this season than he did last year. Arsene Wenger, that will be all."
Arsene Wenger then clapped the gavel, breaking the now gathering murmuring. "ORDER!!!!! Jury, please do gather next door and deliberate."
With that, the jury all stood up and left the court. Within an hour, a sole lady from the jury had returned.
"What is ze meaning of zis? Where arr ze rest of ze jury?" demanded Wenger. The lady spoke "Your Honour, the rest of the jury were so in awe of the defendants perfect physique, ripped abs, fashion-conscious stylings and perfect complexion, they fled the scene."
Wenger stood up, exasperatedly struggled with the zipper to his court gown and bellowed "Zis is outrageous! I will 'ave to deliver a verdict in ze absence of ze jury! Everybody please sit".
Everyone who remained in the courtroom, now on tenterhooks, sat down.
"Ladies and gentlemen. Ze argument for both cases has been comprehensive. I weel say zees though. I decided to sign him so it is only right I 'ave the right to decide what 'appens. So, I listened leetle beet and I 'ave zees to say. Olivier, your goals record is good, but could be better. Mitigating circumstances mean we will never know 'ow many you would 'ave scored if Ozil were fit, if Theo and Ramsey were fit. We will, 'opefully, find zat out zees season. So, with zat in mind, I 'and out a suspended sentence to you Olivier. "
With that declaration, the crowd break out in a myriad of vocal eruptions.
"ORDER IN ZE MOTHERF*CKING COURT! Zank you."
"Olivier, you 'ave zees season to score more than you did in ze last. I am 'appy with your assists and your overall play, but your displays in ze big games has prompted me to say zees. After zees season, if you don't improve, my 'and will be forced by fan power and ze board to supplement you. Now, I believe you 'ave a match to prepare for. You arr free to go."
Olivier gave a wink to his Gaffer, had his handcuffs undone and swaggered out of the courtroom. Debuchy was waiting outside in his lavish sports car to pick up his buddy and they made their way to Colney, fast becoming but dots on the horizon.
The verdict had been reached. All was well in the kingdom. The dragon had been vanquished and the gallant Prince was reunited with..................Woah, hold the phone. Wrong story.
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